Tuesday, August 4, 2009

August Anxiety

Always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve as my Mommy used to tell me. Never been one to let a lot of people in, just like my Daddy. What a contradiction. August 17th, 1993 and August 6th, 1998 will forever be etched in my mind as the moments when my contradictions took residence in my heart, mind and spirit.

As the years have rolled by, I'm aware of those dates as they approach and realize that I'm no longer the 17 year old girl and the 22 year old young woman I used to be. I'm in my 30's and preparing to embark on the next chapter and phase of my life - marriage - and without the benefit and wisdom from my parents. Many a night I have wished them here. To answer the unanswered questions. To hold my hand. To give me a shoulder to cry on. To give me some duckets to splurge on. To provide a smile that puts me at ease. To tell me things that I don't necessarily want to hear...to you know, just be here! Ironically enough, these are the times when I have it all written on my face and separate myself for what feels like much needed me time.

As my fiancee and I grow closer spiritually and emotionally (our Minister said we're "in rhythm" and "so cool,"), I can't help but wish Mom and Dad were with us. He too has memories of Mom. It's one of the ties that bonds us. That unspoken sense of a loss so deep that you can only relate because you've been there, survived, got stronger and can now somewhat comfortably talk about it. It's kinda the space we allow ourselves to exist in that give us license to just let it all hang out.

Not one to wallow in the pain much anymore, I choose to celebrate life in a way that honors who they were and my memories of and with them. Yeah, I definitely get a lil sensitive round this time...but I allow myself to just be present in all the emotions and feelings of what was, what is and what will be. Definitely blessed to have had a duo so deeply invested in me. Definitely have acknowledged their human nature whether I've wanted to or not. It doesn't take away from who they were with me...they were just human.

I myself, I'm super human LOL. Being made in God's image has often empowered me in ways I never knew I possessed. As much as I've always thought about getting married, I distinctly remember feeling like I couldnt see my life past the very moments I existed in, yet in still not living in the moment, but looking way into the future. I'm so present in my life right now...I'm so present in my love of God and love of self that it has allowed me to open my heart and arms to accept and extend love to others. Quite a beautful thing. One day at a time. Live - Love - Laugh...that's the road to peace :) Rest in it Mommy & Daddy. Miiss you!

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