Ten Days Deep

I've been floating for the past 10 days since our wedding day.  Our day was magical, beautiful, refreshing and overall just blessed.  The energy that was present was ultra magnetic, and love was very much in the air.  I wasn't too sure that I could let go and be present to enjoy the moment as everyone suggested.  I knew I had to adhere to a schedule...the very detailed "Flow Doc" I created, but I tend to always want to micro manage my stuff.


I went to sleep in prayer and woke up cheerful and hungry,  I called my husband to be around 8a and he appeared to already be on the go.  The hours seemed to go by so slowly in the morning which could have easily been disguised as my anxiety.  I was ready for hair & make-up.  Ready for the arrival of my bridal party, ready to see the groomsmen in their tuxs, ready to hear our Pastor give a good word, ready to see how all of the pieces to the puzzle I had been placing together for months was finally going to come together. As the time ticked, the photographer and videographer arrived.  My godmother was right by my side to make sure everything was moving along.  I called my planner/cousin to check in.  Everything was just as it was supposed to be.


We were off schedule about 30minutes plus by the time I finished hair and make up so my picture plan at the hotel was kabashed.  :(  Guests had begun arriving when we pulled up to the Manor, but they were ready for us.  Dirt on the front of my dress distracted for a minute but we kept moving.  Pictures, cocktails, laughter, my girls and I were all excited.  They looked fab and so did I.  The guys were outside doing the same thing.  My godmother had not arrived.  Her mother took a spill down the stairs.  Slight moment of panic.  It was resolved, and then it was time to line up.  I couldn't hear my cue...the fountain was too loud.  I moved up with my godfather/uncle and it was showtime. Don't fall Kim, don't look down at the ground keep your eyes on Rod.  I can't see him over all these people.  Smile.  Don't cry and make the ugly face.  There he is :)


Once I saw Rod it made me smile big.  I could tell he thought I was beautiful. I could tell he was fighting the tears.  We were both overwhelmed with joy, happiness and love.  The best moment was when RK drank all the Communion wine and left me the suds.  HILARIOUS :)  By the time we lit our Unity Candle and Memorial Candles, I was so overwhelmed with the joy of the moment I could not believe how fast it was all happening. 


Pastor had such a focused look when he was delivering the message and vows to us that it didn't even matter that the sound system connected to his mic was janky. (It really did matter but I could not look away to tell them to CUT IT OFF). Pastor talked to us about our roles as husband and wife.  About our responsibilities to each other - RK as profit, priest and provider for our family.  Mine - acknowledging my power to support my husband with my words and in our home - I am to provide a safe space from the world in our home.  It was so amazing and intense.  Then it was over.  We paraded out and then it was time to sign the marriage license.  Our brother and sister signed as our witnesses and we are now officially Mr. & Mrs. King.


By that point I had no concept of time but I did witness everyone enjoying cocktail hour while the wedding party and I took LOTS of pictures.  I just remember feeling WOW, we did it!  By the time we were announced for the reception, everything had fallen into place.  The uplighting looked fabulous and our gobo (above) was an amazing surprise gift from our cousins.  Our DJ absolutely kept the room rocking and we had a blast.  I remember being present and enjoying our guests, the food, the atmosphere and each other.  Never mind that the timing for My Fair Wedding with David Tutera didn't work out.  Never mind that our venue, Westbury Manor, wouldn't even engage in a conversation with the producers for my participation in Four Weddings for an all expense paid honeymoon.  After that night, we knew we would have won...but never mind. :(  Everyone looked like and told us they enjoyed our day - from the ceremony to the reception to all the details in between.


While 4+1+5 = 10, in 2010, on our 10th day of marriage, I believe we are both still as excited, as committed, as connected as we were on our day.  The prayers, well wishes, blessings and support we have received is such an awesome thing.  We identify that we are as responsible for each other as we are to lead by example in our marriage.  The journey has just begun.  Join us for the ride.

Do I Do - THIS DAY

I've dreamed about THIS DAY, ever since I was a little girl.  My mom always talked to me about planning my wedding.  The mystique of growing up like a princess is a long way away from actually finding your prince and living happily ever after.  Suffice to say, I no longer have to wonder about a dream deferred.  The day is here.  The prince is actually a King.  And the happily ever after is a work in progress that I accept with open arms.

While I was dreaming about the day in my youth- what it would be like, how I would look, how the room would be decorated- I never quite got past the day itself.  I mean beyond the thousands of dollars you "invest" in your marriage ceremony and celebration, the reality is, the real investment comes after the day itself.

Been thinking about this long and hard for the past year and nine days since RK asked me to be his wife.  Pastor even said engagement is not about planning a wedding.  Engagement is to engage the mind, spirit and character of the individual you are looking to committ to.  My engagement stretched both me and my partner.  Our engagement almost felt at times like - "are we sure we need to be getting married...now...to each other?"  The trepidation I experienced pushed me to the edge of my seat and stretched me beyond my comfort zone.  We learned a lot about transparency, consistency, compromise and communication.  We learned even more about structure and peace.  And through the entire process there was God and there was love.

Never have I felt so strongly about being called toward another person.  Never have I fought myself (RK calls those Holy Wars In The Mental) to stand strong, like the survivor I am, and fight for love.  Fight for what I believe and learn to live with not getting my own way all the time.  YUK!  I can be a brat when I want to be.  But my man gets it.  He gets me, I get him and today we get to get each other.

For the past two months I have gone thru pain-staking details to make THIS DAY uniquely special for us.  As orphans, you don't necessarily think about your everyday life with someone else, particularly when you are as strong willed and determined as we are.  We've each gone through life in subconscious survival mode.  Career, family/friends and maybe a personal life.  On THIS DAY, I make a vow to a man who has shown me unconditional love and support.  I commit to being his accountability partner.  I decide that success is nothing unless you have someone you love to share it with.  I desire to continue to grow as a woman, now a wife and one day a mother.  I pray that we continue to seek God for His wisdom, understanding and guidance.  And I believe that this is only the beginning.

I have no idea what emotions I will feel within the next 24 hours, but I am confident that I will be present to receive them all.  THIS DAY was a dream that has become my reality and on THIS DAY I make a vow to myself to always keep dreaming.  I DO.

Confessions of a Talented Mind: Kimberly N. Cooper

A recent issue of Uptown Magazine published a Q&A with Precious Director Lee Daniels penned by Crystal McCrary Anthony.  Since I consider myself to be a creative and talented mind, I decided to answer the Q's myself.  :)

My current state of mind has me....
Slightly neurotic about my financial future.  Preparing to get married, paying for a wedding, planning for a family and managing a career as an entreprenuer has me at the perfect Libra imbalance.

The trait I most deplore in myself is....
My automatic negative disposition.  I see why it can't happen before I envision the possibilities of how it CAN.  Changing the mental tape takes me a minute and it's definitely a work in progress.

The living person I most admire is...
My best friend Marc Bamuthi Joseph for always following his dreams and heart to create his life.

My greatest extravagance is...
Jewelry.  I didn't realize how much I like diamonds until this year.

The quality I most like in a man is...
His ability to be responsible for his family.  That and his sense of humor.

I admire all qualities of women because...
We are the backbones of our families - emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

The word I most overuse is...
Fabulous!

My favorite writers are...
Elizabeth Gilbert & myself

The talent I'd like to have is...
Being skilled as a financial manager and planner. 

My favorite fictional hero is...
Wonder Woman

My favorite hero in real life is...
My mom because she was beautiful, poised and  patient.  Also my sister Charisse because dispite the life challenges out of her control, everything within her control is taken head on with passion and love. 

My greatest achievement is...
Seeking treatment for my grief and depression because it prepared me to heal a grieving heart to open it up and avail it to love (of myself and others) in a way I've never known.

I'd like to live...
To see my grandchildren.

My most treasured possession is...
My photos.  Taking pictures since I was 5 years old leads to a lifetime of memories.

The lowest depth of misery is...
Walking without faith.

The trait I most value in a friend is...
Honesty.

My favorite names are...
Rodney, Faith, Jello, Nina & King :)

I most dislike...
Lack of communication and structure.

My greatest regret is...
Don't really have those because everything happens for a reason.

I would like to die...
Peacefully

My motto -
Fear and faith cannot exist in the same space. 
Be Blessed, Be Encouraged & Be Inspired.

Countdown To Lockdown

Seriously - I'm getting married...in 75 days. I let go of the trepidation to drop 60 pounds a while ago, quickly realizing that my angst was a fast train to stress pounds either way. Besides the fact that once I found my dress, I was confident that my gorgeous factor was already up there :) I knew Spanx would be my friend on this faithful day as well because I would be PMSing anyway. TMI- sorry, it just it what it is!

Ironically, as I'm on the countdown to lock down, I'm reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed - A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage. Let me give you some context and a little back story. Liz is also the author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller Eat Pray Love - One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India & Indonesia.

Holiday time 2007 I got my heart broken for the very first time in my 32 years of life. I've loved before - hard, but I was the one doing the disconnecting and heartbreaking. Dude and I had a love across thousands of miles. We met in Miami, he lived in Seattle and I in NY. For a year a four months, we traveled across the US enjoying life and falling in love for the first time - every time (so I thought). Suffice to say after he put us on "time out" and then finally said he was done, I went into a state of shock. I didn't see it coming - although I should have.


I started reading EPL at this time as if it was a text book to mending my broken heart. The underlines, sidebar notes and my own personal commentary are pretty hilarious to thumb through now. I'm a pretty intense chick and more introspective/reflective than most. So as Liz journeyed across the world to heal her broken heart, the words she streamed together made so much sense. Stuff like:

"I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that
everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen
in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man,
rather than with the man himself, and then I hung on to the relationship for a
long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own
greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

Yea, word...I was feeling Liz, and I found it wildly ironic that now that I'm on the road to marriage, I find myself traveling down the road again with Liz. That's right - after we ate and prayed, we found love again. Actually love found me and I seriously believe that the journey on the search for ourselves during healing provided the foundation for the space I now stand in. Clearly while in the darkness I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel - for many months. But hindsight is indeed 20/20 and I am where I am because of what I've gone through.

Enter Committed almost on cue.

Liz and Felipe are quite content being together forever and not married. Their respective divorces shocked their emotional systems. But once confronted with the prospect of involuntarily separating their union, the only other option in the United States is marriage. While this book takes a both a practical and an emotional approach toward marriage, I still find Liz confronting my deepest thoughts and fears.

The whole wedding thing is just that - a wedding, one day. When you get at it, and RK and I know this from our Pre-Marital classes, marriage is where the commitment comes into play. While I'm only half way through the book I have found myself walking through some points with RK. Really good and healthy discussions, and this one place in particular, Liz slight neurosis sparked a thought provoking dialogue between her and Felipe about their respective character flaws. The conclusion:

"If we are at all self-aware, we work hard to keep these more dicey aspects of
our nature under control, but they don't go away. Also good to note: If
Felipe has character flaws that he cannot change in himself, it would be unwise
of me to believe that I could change them on his behalf. Likewise in reverse, of
course. And some of the things that we cannot change about ourselves are
mirthless to behold. To be fully seen by somebody, then, and to be loved anyhow
- this is a human offering that can border on the miraculous."

Riiiight! So as RK prepare for what we believe will be the rest of our lives together, the consideration of acceptance reaches far beyond the scope of my understanding sometimes. This partnership that we are entering into speaks to issues of communication, finances, sex & fidelity, personal & professional choices, children, life and death. It's not for the weak.

One thing I have realized in between these 3 years and 2 books, that it is so easy to quit. To stay and work through and work it out, now that right there requires that you be committed. Never in my life have I challenged myself to push through my comfort zone the way I have now. I never thought I was a quitter, but when the kid is done, she's done. With RK, God challenges me to stay committed first to HIM and then to RK. The trick is you have to want to be committed. Ain't no half steppin with this thing here. Love is choice and love is patient - that 1 Corinthians 13 scripture is real. And here we are - a work in progress - 75 days until forever. I'm ready to be committed.

The 2010 Message - Procrastination

Tradition has always been a strong suit of mine - I'm a creature of tremendous habit. So it made perfect sense to send 2009 packing in true steeped and purposeful tradition, church. Most folk I know were prepared to usher the season out, and I was glad to do such with my future husband, my sister, my 6 year old nephew and my prayer sister/neighbor.

After the fabulous presentation of our ministry in 2009, praise and worship followed, and then came my anointed Pastor, Rev. Dr. A.R. Bernard. Everybody loves their pastor, but my Pastor is a teacher amongst many students, yet he still remains teachable. He teaches us that having a relationship with God is paramount to religious rituals. We are ambassadors for Christ in the culture because we can be in the world, but not of it.

Suffice to say we started talking about principles as they govern life and order as ordained by God. After all, God works according to patterns and principles. We went through an overview of the first few books in the Old Testament as an example of God's pattern for Israel's growth and development. The lesson: too often we want to enter the Promise Land without growing up, but in the Promise Land, it takes work to deal with giants.

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness
through our knowldge of him who called us by his own glory and
goodness.

-2 Peter 1:3

Then we moved to Joshua 18:1-3 and Pastor asked the question - how long are you going to wait to take possession of the land God has already promised you? And then bam, he transitioned to the lesson: reasons why we procrastinate. But I must warn you, this involves an emotional, self-evaluation.

• The desire for attention --> not enough recognition in it for you

Fear --> of change (attitude; self esteem; self awareness; relationship); criticism; disappointing other people (dealing with your own character for people who have bought into your self image); failure; inadequecy; mistakes; rejection; the unknown (take you out of your comfort zone because you don't want to be stretched)

Feeling overwhelmed --> the mass gets bigger and the weight gets heavier

Indecisiveness --> you can't make decisions quickly and effectively

Lack of deadlines --> lack of information; not interested

Over commitment --> don't let your mouth burden your back; yes is yes and no is no

Resentment --> you are disappointed in what you have been given to do

Unclear goals --> the clearer the goal, the more you are like a magnet; with the goals you continue t put off what is necessary

Unpleasant task

Distraction --> you allow yourself to do something that is more pleasurable instead of what you don't like; reduces the anxiety as a temporary escape

We learned that procrastination is a symptom of some area of anxiety or stress in our lives. Procrastination will rob you of doing what you want to do and you will not change until you know why you are doing it. 2010 is the time for me and you to possess the land God has for us. Stop the excuses and face it straight on. The time is now!!

The Year of Completion

As I sit back and reflect on this year, it is with trepidation and mixed emotions that I am glad to see it come to a close. Some of the most amazing life changing elements took place in the span of these 12 months. Conversely, I've also encountered some of the most challenging trials that have tested my faith (again) and forced me to question myself and the choices I've made.

When I think of the goodness of God, I am amazed that after and through everything, He is always invested in my success. I sit back to look at the world around me and sometimes I forget just how blessed I am. There was continued self reflection and introspection this year. There was also a lot of closing of chapters. Put some situations and people on the shelf and I also put some people and situations on blast. By December, instead of "kill 'em with kindness," I was perfecting my stillness with "kill 'em with silence." I make no apologies for not being able to deal with everything simultaneously. I've learned to pause and take my time a lot more cause I'm not trying to be all things to all people. I'm just trying to be the best me God needs me to be.

The losses suffered this year of my mother's oldest brother as well as my mother's godmother, continued to place family in my front view. Over the past few years, family has definitely transitioned from my rear view to the peripheral. I found more time to establish and build firmer relationships with the relatives that are still standing - primarily with a few of my elders and a couple of cousins who fell off the grid. It was good to reconnect - but truth be told, the maintenance is real. It takes two to make a thing go right, so after the initial point of contact, both parties have to put in work. That is a work in progress itself.">

Happy Thanksgiving!!

34 Reasons to Be Thankful

As I turn one year older and one year wiser, I am reflecting on the journey. During my last season I posted "33 Things I've Learned." Transitioning from 32 to 33 was quite an introspective period of time for many reasons. From that season I have have blossomed in so many ways, hence, I am THANKFUL for...

1. God presenting me with a man who loves me unconditionally - who wants me to be his wife and the mother of his children. So glad I made the decision to "Man Up." Love you RK and can't wait to officially become KCK!



2. Good home training - yes and no thank you go a long way



3. Friendship with amazing individuals - the nucleus of keeping it real and humorous at the same time.



4. My sister, whom I don't always see eye to eye with but whom I'm glad we can challenge each other in our differences.



5. My big sister/friend/mentor for many years of wisdom and growth. Tough love has made our relationship stronger.



6. The soon to be in laws that show love to me in the same way they do to my fiancee. It's pretty fresh to have more family to grow with.



7. My godmother, who stepped right in after mommy and daddy passed and picked right up. Such a diva :)



8. My CCC family - Pastor and Minister O have planted spiritual seeds that will last a lifetime.



9. My TOM Girls - prayer has changed so many things in our lives...Here's to keeping it going whether near or far.



10. My trainer who is kicking my butt while telling me stories about England and his own struggles with maintaining a healthy lifestyle (so relatable).



11. Opportunities



12. The three men in my past adult relationships that forced me to grow emotionally and spiritually because they prepared me for the love of my life...(I pray the deposits I made in their lives helped them to mature as well).



13. My conversations with the good doctor have catapulted me to close chapters, unearth and work through emotions while setting goals in areas that I didn't know I had to.



14. Repairing and growing my relationships with my extended family - what a journey to healing and developing on new ground!



15. My four legged babies Jello & Nina have taught me so many lessons about myself. Mama loves and needs your presence...MEOW :)
    


16. Common sense and the ability to think from a macro approach and not a myopic perspective.



17. My BA degree- straight up! Graduating from college in 4 years didn't feel like a given at that time of my life, but I made it, and Dad lived to witness it.



18. BG Unlimited - God put it on my heart years ago and I'm finally accepting my responsibility to bring the multi-platform vision to pass



19. Resources



20. Gifts, talents and abilities



21. Memories too many to remember...too many to forget!



22. The power of the written word to shape, heal and transform



23. My Blackberry - gotta love messages and thoughts on the go



24. Hair accessories - OMG - pony tails, wigs...I heart being able to flip my look



25. Experience - beyond it being a good teacher, it's one heck of a prop to boost confidence



26. Laughter



27. The color of the sky at sunrise and sunset



28. Grey's Anatomy



29. The lessons I've learned along the way...it's the little things



30. Houston's spinach dip - satisfies my cheese fetish and my green veggie requirement :)



31. New York - so much to do...so much to love



32. Faith



33. My car - exactly what I envisioned, blessed and manifested in the right season



34. Love expressed unconditionally, selflessly and unlimited

**And my wish for my 35th - To continue to grow and strengthen my relationship with God, knowing and understanding His word while exhibiting His spirit in everything I do...a journey of patience, dedication and consistency. **

Bridal Bootcamp - (Thoughts on the road to a healthy lifestyle)

I've always struggled with my weight. Ever since I was a little girl, I remember being a big girl. While I was taller than all of my peers, including the guys, I also weighed more. I always felt different as a result of it. As mom instilled a confident sense of self esteem for my unique look, and she was equally aggressive with keeping me mindful of my figure.

I've tried many a diet and extreme measure to keep my weight down. I've ballooned up and I've slimmed down. The yo yo weight has been as consistent as I have been inconsistent with effectively managing my weight.

So here I am...about to get married and the scale has not been my friend. Somehow the road to falling in love added on some "love" handles. RK loves me just the same, but he is keenly aware that I desire to glide down the aisle toward him. Perhaps float is a better word. Either way, my fab fiance took the initiative to sign us up for a gym. Actually, to be clear, he signed us up to become members of one of NYC's most popular "sports clubs," - Reebok.

The 6 floors include a basketball court, outdoor track, mind/body spa, rock climbing wall, cafe and rooftop deck are just a few of the offerings. Never mind the pool, steam room and whirlpool. I've lived across the street from a gym my entire life and found it challenging to motivate to walk across. The motivation factor was never there. There's just something about paying your hard earned money for something that makes you appreciate it more. At least for me.

I was wildly intimidated when I received the tour. Like severely overwhelmed. The thought of incorporating this into my lifestyle was like...drastic. None the less, I have a wedding dress to get fitted for. Beyond that, the ramifications of not incorporating some level of activity back into my lifestyle was not an option. I feel off from the neighborhood boot camp and the African dance classes at Alvin Ailey...so here I am at the "gym."

After my first few attempts going on my own, I quickly realized I needed a routine to develop some consistency. RK is good playing BBall for his total body workout, but the girl needs more. Two complementary private training sessions came with our membership and I quickly fell in line. By the end of my first session with Stewart from England, I was convinced I needed this level of discipline and commitment in my life. I sacrificed the dollars because this made lots of sense to get me going.

Never went to the gym with regularity. Actually never belonged to a gym and definitely have never had a personal trainer. So I told Stew these 30 sessions have to count because I have some serious goals. He confidently said "no problem, we'll get there." So here I am, 7 sessions in and feeling beat down. I meet Stew twice a week and attend classes twice a week. Four days I didn't think was too bad for someone who wasn't doing anything consistently. So now I'm actually trying to turn it up a notch. It's a slow turn, but this week I kicked butt.

All my peeps keep telling me it takes time as I say, "I still don't love it." If I miss church I'm upset because I need the Word. If I miss the gym, eh, I'm good. It makes me laugh because I really want to be excited about this healthy lifestyle maintenance. I'm giving myself the time, but I'm steadily applying pressure :)

My BDay is in a few weeks and I am fully aware these pounds don't fall off in the 30's like they did in the 20's. But I will absolutely keep trying to renew my mindset. The Bible says you can't pour new wine into old wine skins. I equate that to mean, as I prepare to embark on this next phase of my life, I cannot continue to do the same 'ol as I move to the new-new. Suffice to say, it's a journey, but uber excited RK and I are mindful it takes time and we're doing it together.

A Penny For My (Wedding) Thoughts

Right after my last post one of my BFF's eloquently composed the following note:

"You sound as though you are putting a lot of pressure and stress on yourself.
Be weary of trying to match the expectations of a child with the realities of a
grown woman. While you have to go through the exercise of prioritizing all your
wants and desires, for this day and in general, don't forget to distinguish them
from the things you actually need. The love and support and wishes and
prayers of all your peeps will be with you no matter what the location, size,
cost or design of the day. None of these features will make the day last
longer than it would have, make your peeps love you more than they already do,
or make you and RK more man and wife. It will be beautiful to see you
and RK say "i do", and that will be the most important thing about all the
wedding planning for the rest of us attending. Don't lose the perspective is all
I'm trying to say. "

My BFF's are some of the dopest people in my world. I've had the unique blessing of having three BFF's and I've known them each between 15-20 years. They know where I've been, accept me as I am and gently invite me to grow. I think we've kind of done that for each of us in our unique, individual relationships. During this journey to "down the aisle," I've appreciated the stories, the jokes and the real talk moments that I've shared with them as they each offer such a unique and valued perspective based on how they view the world.

JP is my oldest friend, 20 years deep. So when she shares with me, I hear it in a very unique way. She's the only friend that had her own unique and very separate relationship with my folks. She wrote one of my recommendations that got me into college early decision. She is thoughtful, intelligent and hella direct. We've both witnessed the growth of our rough around the edges disposition smooth out with introspective sensitivity as we've gained wisdom and experience. JP has this unique way of clearly articulating her thoughts minus emotion, while simultaneously having those same thoughts be filled with so much love. Expectation and reality / needs vs. wants have fueled many of our conversations across the years since our conversations started in the 9th grade. Ironically, it's the energy she received from me on my last post (1st marriage/wedding post). It got me to thinking about what I do expect from my wedding day as I plan it.

I'm a marketer, and as my BFF of 16 years pointed out, my wedding day is not a brand marketing project I am working on. MJ is quite the poignant orator, whether he's performing, one or one or talking to his son, he listens intently before ever offering a solid word, but once I started talking about a logo and gobo for my ceremony, he chuckled in his special way and it forced me tp pump the breaks and listen to myself. He's known for years that I am steeped in the tradition of celebrating the big moments in our lives...hell, I convinced him to go to his senior prom on a 3 day college trip during the weekend we met. Nothing in my mind has been bigger than my wedding day, but to be clear, there probably won't be a corporate sponsor underwriting the festivities, so no branding needed. Got it.

Finally there's RW, the practical, sunshine flower child. She's a diva and simplistic all at the same time. We're 15 years in and once I started my wedding research, she calmed my frazzled nerves, purchased the wedding planning book JP gifted to me and offered to keep me in line...that is until 4 weeks ago when she got engaged. Two weeks into her engagement, "I get what you were saying now, and I can' be stressed, we're doing a destination wedding." Needless to say, RW is getting married in 6 months.

It's super dope to have real friends - and frends that are their own unique selves. Friends that offer you the most sincere and honest parts of themselves to bring that same quality out of you. Friends that challenge you, make you think and let you live all at the same time. As we all prepare to reach different plateaus and milestones in our lives, I definitely count my peeps in to offer me the exact support I need...and I don't even have to ask for it. Their anticipation game is fresh. Keeps me on my toes...and laughing. I'm blessed :)

Goin' To The Chapel...And We're Gonna Get Married

Ever since I was a little girl I've always dreamed of getting married. The super-duper, dreamy eyed getting married kind of dreams. Meet a guy, fall madly in love, get married, have babies and live happily every after until death do us part. I mean, it's kinda the way I grew up - in the fairy tale. I loved hearing the story about how my folks got together and Mom always talked to me about my big day...and doing it in a big way.

All through my 20's and now into my early 30's, I've been to dozens of weddings and taken mental notes along the way. I knew what I appreciated about each of my friend's special day and what I would leave on the shelf when it was finally my turn. Now that it is my turn, I've been going through a mental war of the worlds. Big Apple on the big day - close to our church home and our family or destination to escape the drama of well, everything.

What Mom never told me was how much big dreams cost. When I dream, I do dream big. I've always looked at things from the macro perspective and the micro details were for others to kind of work out. Well my macro, costs macro money. To put it plainly, my fiance is a pretty simple and easy going guy. The absolute ying to my yang. The cheese on my burger and the I to my Pod :) His smile automatically lets me know not to worry and things will work out the way they are supposed to. I prayed for him. God told me a long time ago I wold marry my friend. I didn't really get it, but once RK came along, things kinda fell into place. All this to say, RK says "all I want to do is marry you, so, whatever you want to do Kim." Easy for him to say.

When we first got engaged in April, I just wanted to exist and be present in engaged bliss. We started our pre-marital classes a few weeks later and that was an intense journey about marriage in the eyes of God. The tools we took from that deserves a stand alone blog. No wedding planning other than choosing our date 10-10-10. Super poetic, but it wasn't going to work for our Pastor. It means a lot for him to preside over our ceremony...so back to the drawing board.

The summer was moving pretty quickly and my "Ultimate Wedding Planner" book said I need to start with a list. When we first started out with a 250 person list, I had no idea that the number alone was considered a large number. I had nothing to contextualize it until I actually started calling venues. We then separated our list into MUST-SHOULD-WOULD. Well I did that. RK's had a quick 30 people and told me he could cut more if we needed to. We then landed on 75-150 people and packed our bags for Orlando.

While I knew I couldn't entertain Disney for less than $15,000, I still wanted to see what planning my actual fairy tale would be like. We liked it - A LOT but we came back home thinking, let's check out some New York venues because our fairy tale would cost us a lot.

So for the past month, we've been going hard on the venue search. RK and I hve had some cool site visiting adventures and he's been such a trooper. Most NY halls are not trying to see us for less that 100 people...which equals no less that $10G's. Seriously, that's just so folk can eat and drink. UGH, I'm so frustrated. I need a sponsor. I need David Tutera and My Fair Wedding. Now I'm back to going away. A destination with 50 people max, which equals 25 for each of us, and those ten thousand dollars including dinner dancing, ceremony, flights, decor and entertainment.

Seriously, we know that the wedding is just one day and we have the rest of our lives, but I'm so clear that this magical day will NOT be a dream deferred. I just need to stay mindful that I'm not going to be able to please everyone...and I shouldn't try to. This is our day, even though the specifics are going to rest with me, we both know we want to see me walking down the aisle, have our Pastor perform our ceremony, share that magical moment of exchanging our vows and then have a fresh party. We shall see what God has in store :) There's like 365+ days until OUR day.

Sunrise - Sunset

I have this quiet fascination with death. Perhaps fascination is not the correct word. Let's try intrigue. I have this quiet intrigue surrounding death. I am curious about the emotions that often need to be managed when the loss of life is apparent. Death is a natural occurrence, yet whenever it presents itself, there is an almost immediate shock to one's emotional system. My emotional cup always appears to be half full when death is present.

When you witness life exit a human body it changes you. No matter if you experience someone deteriorating over time or experience the immediate shock when someone passes, there tends to be this overwhelming sense of finality. My personal experiences have always catapulted me to a floodgate of memories, particularly as it pertains to family.

My family, on both my Mom and Dad's side, is very familiar with death. They both had brothers and sisters that passed prior to my existence, and my grandparents passed when I was younger. I distinctly remember being told "death is a part of life. Everyone dies."

Ecclesiastes 7:2 - "it is better to go to a house of mourning than to
go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living
should take this to heart."

This harsh reality was my personal GPS as I navigated through the waters of my own parents death. Not to say these moments of reality were void of emotion, but they absolutely were based in the fact of this uncomfortable truth. I very much kept it moving along the way becoming extremely self sufficient and self reliant, with deep roots invested in my own independence as a matter of survival.

As I've gotten older and more family members have passed, my emotional barometer has shifted. I find myself deeply longing to reconnect and recover the stolen moments. Moments that have faded into black & white memories, and often moments that never existed. Seems like the pause button was pushed along the way and I've missed out on other people's lives. Conversely, my family has missed out too. Although I tend to be somewhat vocal about documenting my personal and professional life in the age of social networking, nothing really beats that human connection.

I've been marinating on these thoughts and feelings for about a year now. More recently, my mother's oldest brother passed this week and I probably had not spoken to him since my Dad passed about eleven years ago. Ironically, he had not spoken to his youngest brother, now the only surviving member of that generation, in about the same amount of time. My cousins, same thing. On both sides of my family, there is no family reunion. There are no celebratory engagements where we all get together and connect. There's no Antoine Fisher and there's no Soul Food. Big Momma on both sides has been gone for a long time, so if it ever existed, it sure doesn't anymore. Shoot, I'm meeting relatives for the first time at damn near every funeral I attend. Is this normal? It surely is the norm for me, but I can't escape the feeling that it should NOT be.

All this disconnect has me thinking about managing my own emotions and expectations in both life and in death. I've absolutely moved through life making stealth movements. Now when I look up, particularly as I plan a life with my future husband, I'm looking around with an acute awareness. I already know I'm a strange bird. My ability (or inability depending on how you view it) to connect to people takes time. When I'm disconnected, that void is huge and often feels irreparable. It takes me a minute to say I Love You, because the weight of that responsibility feels like you can't just say it and disappear. But I do feel love. I'm not void of the emotion, but my boundaries are visibly invisible. I keep myself open enough to try and make a connection, but far enough away not to get hurt. It's a super-duper survival tactic I picked up in battle. The scars are real, but I swear I'm trying to put cocoa-butter on the wounds to make them disappear.

It's an awesome responsibility to carry the desire to heal the pain from the past. Somehow I feel like all the things that aren't spoken about, are the the same things that prevent people from moving forward in the present. It's like part of our DNA. We are used to having things exist as they are so it's almost like we're comfortable as it is. I'm comfortably uncomfortable. I suppose that's why I write. I suppose it's why I attempt to reconcile why I feel and think the way that I do. It's why I want to understand why X is X and why it went down like that. I don't proclaim to have all the answers and I think I'm finally starting to be ok with not having the answers and not having the answers that I want. There's also that whole let it go thing.

Colossians 3:13-14 -"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you
may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And
over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect
unity."

At my uncle's Muslim ceremony this week, my first Muslim home going, the notion of forgiveness was expressed as a way to allow the dead to journey back to Allah, to their paradise, free and clear of debt. I desire to do this on the journey between the sunrise and sunset. I am painfully aware that this is a journey where each and every relationship takes work. There's a quiet acceptance I desire to have where whatever is put forth in each of my relationships, is just enough. Sure, accountability always exists, but we accept and love each other for who we are, as we are. Therefore it becomes pretty unacceptable that years don't go by in between our moments of connection.

Most of my family resides in New York, but even for those that live out of state, those moments of connection are few and far between. Perhaps that is part of the acceptance, so when we do finally connect, it is much more of a unique, peaceful and loving experience. It's not my responsibility to heal the wounds of the past, but it is my responsibility to be accountable and present with those that desire to do the same. I'm taking it one step at a time, nothing forced, just letting it do what it do! I think it's a step in the right direction...so I'll just continue to do that - one step at a time, one person at a time.

August Anxiety

Always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve as my Mommy used to tell me. Never been one to let a lot of people in, just like my Daddy. What a contradiction. August 17th, 1993 and August 6th, 1998 will forever be etched in my mind as the moments when my contradictions took residence in my heart, mind and spirit.

As the years have rolled by, I'm aware of those dates as they approach and realize that I'm no longer the 17 year old girl and the 22 year old young woman I used to be. I'm in my 30's and preparing to embark on the next chapter and phase of my life - marriage - and without the benefit and wisdom from my parents. Many a night I have wished them here. To answer the unanswered questions. To hold my hand. To give me a shoulder to cry on. To give me some duckets to splurge on. To provide a smile that puts me at ease. To tell me things that I don't necessarily want to hear...to you know, just be here! Ironically enough, these are the times when I have it all written on my face and separate myself for what feels like much needed me time.

As my fiancee and I grow closer spiritually and emotionally (our Minister said we're "in rhythm" and "so cool,"), I can't help but wish Mom and Dad were with us. He too has memories of Mom. It's one of the ties that bonds us. That unspoken sense of a loss so deep that you can only relate because you've been there, survived, got stronger and can now somewhat comfortably talk about it. It's kinda the space we allow ourselves to exist in that give us license to just let it all hang out.

Not one to wallow in the pain much anymore, I choose to celebrate life in a way that honors who they were and my memories of and with them. Yeah, I definitely get a lil sensitive round this time...but I allow myself to just be present in all the emotions and feelings of what was, what is and what will be. Definitely blessed to have had a duo so deeply invested in me. Definitely have acknowledged their human nature whether I've wanted to or not. It doesn't take away from who they were with me...they were just human.

I myself, I'm super human LOL. Being made in God's image has often empowered me in ways I never knew I possessed. As much as I've always thought about getting married, I distinctly remember feeling like I couldnt see my life past the very moments I existed in, yet in still not living in the moment, but looking way into the future. I'm so present in my life right now...I'm so present in my love of God and love of self that it has allowed me to open my heart and arms to accept and extend love to others. Quite a beautful thing. One day at a time. Live - Love - Laugh...that's the road to peace :) Rest in it Mommy & Daddy. Miiss you!

Celebrating MJ

As I sat in Bobby Van's Grill at JFK airport on the late afternoon of Thursday, June 25th and witnessed the television report the "BREAKING NEWS" of the hospitalization of The King Of Pop, I thought, Mike is a survivor, he'll pull out of this one. The transition from hospitalized to his passing was a matter of minutes...the amount it took for me to be told that I would not be placed on the next upcoming flight I was waiting on standby for. Although I missed my original 440p flight to Los Angeles, I didn't make the 745p flight or subsequently the 920p fight either. I spent the entire day in the airport glued to CNN as I moved from gate to gate and people watched inside of the terminal. Let's call it divine intervention.

Twitter and Facebook are my only social networking outlets and both were flooded with MJ commentary - shock and disbelief. I felt tragic. I had been here before, I identified what I witnessed was people were connecting again in tragedy. The last time I witnessed this was during 9/11. To see folk of all races, faiths and nationalities united to grieve about the King of Pop was quite - well, let's just say it put me in a space. An accepting shock was really what it was. You don't want to believe it, but as the body was being transported from the helicopter to the coroner's van...seeing my man wrapped in an all white sheet was so final.

By the time I finally made my way to the City of Angels for BET Awards 09 it was full steam ahead work wise, but Michael's passing was on every one's minds and hearts. Particularly the ultra exclusive Debra Lee PRE Dinner. If you are in Los Angeles and you are in the mix, then being on the VIP list is a must. Everyone was a VIP on this evening.

Cocktail hour featuring Grey Goose Rising Icons cocktails and tunes by DJ D-Nice set the tone. Once everyone took their seat and introductions were announced via the "script," it was time for Driis (a la Idris Elba as the evening's DJ) to settle in for an impromptu set. "Rock With You" came on and everyone from Jamie Foxx to Teena Marie, Trey Songz to Day 26 took turns on the microphone paying tribute to Michael in song and dance. The energy was infectious and it ignited an electricity in the room that connected everyone with the power of this legend - gone too soon.


Fast forward to and through the BET Awards, the surprise finale with Janet Jackson brought the packed crowd to a halt as the youngest Jackson was ushered on stage by Jamie Foxx to represent her family. "To the world he was an icon...To us, he was family." Sitting center stage was powerful enough to have the magnitude of his spirit eclipse the reality of his loss a mere 3 days prior.

The weekend would not have been complete had it not been for a visit to MJ's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It was like a living floral and candle shrine. The death of Michael touched hundreds of thousands of people. To see this living memorial touched me in an innate way. Somewhat overwhelming to tell you the truth, but memorable nonetheless.

Tuesday, July 7th, the Michael Jackson LIVE memorial was the most amazing home going celebration. I was able to take it all in from the comfort of my own home and thoughts. The personal accounts and tributes, touching. For me, Usher breaking down by the casket after his tribute and then lil Paris saying he was the best Daddy in the whole world...it's like wow, he's really, really gone. No more music, only memories.

Never saw MJ perform live - no Motown 25, no Victory tour, no 30th Anniversary tribute at MSG - just the rapture of music videos, LP's, CD's and the imagery that is birthed from those vivid visions. It's as real as the pain Michael suffered through in his life. I've purchased almost every memorial magazine, read every article and watched every TV report...that man lived with a deep pain that he masked - literally.

I never gave much attention to the surgeries over the years, that was just Michael. I didn't give consideration to him being on trial for child molestation and the tole it took on him emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I didn't think about him missing out on his childhood after 40 years in the business. He was just Michael. In the culmination that was his death, that great chrishendo was in his song crying out. I'm only sorry that we were all too busy jamming to the music and really hear him. He needed love and compassion, not another gig. For all that MJ gave to the world, I pray he had a relationship with God so he can finally have the peace that he so desired in life. Rest in eternal peace Michael Joseph Jackson.

A Whole New World

It's been 9 LONG months since I logged in and dedicated myself to expressing what is in the four courners of my mind. I never even completed my ten day journey down under with the Aussie's. Please don't charge it to my heart...What an amazing journey it has been since then.

I'd be remiss if I didn't connect to the highlights: getting engaged and producing my first television show Still Rollin: The 2009 Detroit Auto Show...to the not so fresh moments: losing my aunt to cancer and my mother's 90 something year old godmother to a disease I don't even know the name of. Through it all I've been incredibly blessed.

There have been some definite transitions since I last wrote. Clear transitions in time. Transition of relationships - space - emotions...just overall life transition. Change is consistant and everything happens for a reason. God has been my constant source and I am uber thankful for His peace because there have been so many instances where I desired to pause for the cause. But I K-I-M because that's what Big Girls do.

Welcome back to the BG Unlimited blog...stronger - fearless and faithful....Let's go!